| I don't know what to do |
[Mar. 3rd, 2008|11:50 pm] |
I'm homeless, my old roommates are threatening me to pay them rent when I don't have anything to give them. I haven't lived there for over a month, and I'm trying the best I can.
I don't trust anyone anymore, I can't believe I'd resort to using this sie to pour myself out because I think it's pathetc but at this point I don't care.
I have no one, literally, no one. I can't think straight. I can't eat, I don't sleep well because I'm so depressed. I don't know how much lower I can get.
All I want, is to be left alone, have a few moments of privacy and peace, and I want someone to give a shit about how I feel right now.
Actually, I'm starting to think that I'm sick, mentally, in a way were I don't know how to interact with people anymore. Sure I might seem like I'm happy and that this will all wash away, but I'm starting to think day after day that that's not the case. I have completely lost myself and I want to puke.
Don't comment this. Please |
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| Questions |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|08:09 pm] |
Why is it that I don't have to do anything at all to have drama follow me?
No seriously, Cam and Joe both got really pissed off at me MONTHS ago and just noooooooow are telling me about it. And the funny thing is, they're basing their anger on falsifications and people exxagerating the truth.
I really can't stress enough how much I don't need this right now.
Amanda, TJ, and Kevin all stepped up to be awesome friends though in the last 2 days(I crashed at their places to avoid any confrontations at the apartment. Except for TJ, because he lives to far away to walk)
But honestly, I'm going to say this to anyone that's reading this:
If I've ever hurt you, or let you down, and it's made you angry, how the fuck am I supposed to do anything about it if you don't give me some kind of hint that you're upset?
And also, if somebody tells you something that you know I wouldn't do, but you believe them anyway, you never knew me. I am not some piece of shit friend that sells his friends out to people he doesn't even like. I am not some disgusting dirt bag, and I'm not a low life that tries to turn friends against eachother.
YOU HAVE KNOWN ME FOR HOW FUCKING LONG? YET YOU STILL DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH?!
Goddamnit.
I'm going to move, to some state where I don't know anyone there and not tell anyone where I'm going. I have been let down by all but 10 people in this whole state.
And I am finished. |
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| Hot Chocolate Peppermint Soymilk |
[Aug. 18th, 2007|11:27 pm] |
I have not updated this bastard in awhile.
But today I'm depressed, I can't really narrow it down to one thing. There's a bunch.
I guess, mostly it's the frustration of the fact that even though I have the opportunity to date I don't really want to. It's really almost pathetic, because I would really like to be with somebody, but I don't want anything serious, and I don't really want to like anybody. I know what I want, I just can't have it. And anything short of that isn't good enough.
I know thats confusing, but that's how I've been. I really don't see an option that will make me happy actually...bummer.
Well, it has been decided, I am moving. Next summer, as soon as my lease is up Joe and I are going to find an apartment in Amherst. I can't stand this town. I have a few friends I can stand to be around but not as many as I used to. I don't have the patience for stupid drama anymore, I have enough drama going on in my head I don't need any more.
Ugh...tomorrow's my day off, and I'm pretty sure I'll be just as pissy then to.
Again, bummer. |
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| First Attempt At Class |
[Jul. 24th, 2007|01:07 am] |
So I tried to make some Indian food today, and fucked it up hardcore haha.
Damn, well it doesn't taste terrible. But I can tell what it's supposed to taste like and I definably didn't pull it off.
No my farts will kill Joe, who's sleeping upstairs.
I'm a little more then half-way through Harry Potter & The Deathly Hollows. I'm taking my time to read it, seeing as I waited for what was it 3 years I'm going to enjoy it damnit.
Really well written, I think I like this one the best.
I'm about ready to collapse.
Goodnight |
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| Bathing Burlington |
[Jul. 22nd, 2007|02:15 am] |
I filled the fountain at the top of church st. with $30 worth of bubble bath tonight.
3 giant bottles of tangerine.
3 giant bottles of vanilla.
And I just sat back and watched all the people have fun in the fountain.
I went downtown feeling really depressed, and left feeling accomplished.
I made a lot of random people happy today, and I feel better then I have in a month. |
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| Thank Heaven For Western Expansion |
[Jul. 20th, 2007|09:47 pm] |
Another, another, another one across my back.
Is this good enough yet? This world I'm constructing in your name, a being birthed from all my pain. I am not unlike your statues. Cold, and empty, just like your hollow lives. I am not destined for anything, save great things you won't understand.
Our lives are in your hands, our blood is all over your hands.
You keep on saying, put your backs into it, the end is in sight, I can feel it.
The end will come, when you lay down your arms, and we the adorned may rise to grab hold of what is rightfully ours.
May whole empires weep when they see our forces on the horizon. Behold, we have come to right the wrongs, and make good of our promises. That our hearts did not bleed in vain, that we are the strongest generation this world has ever known.
You will hear us, before you see us... |
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| To The Annonymous Person |
[Jul. 20th, 2007|08:08 pm] |
Please don't read my, or comment my shit, to be a dick.
I probably know you, and I'm sure if you know me you'd know I'm not a creep.
But I can't really stop you from being a bitch. Just please don't do that again.
Thanks
Josh |
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| Subterrainean Literature |
[Jul. 13th, 2007|12:38 am] |
I've got all these sinking feelings, like so much of our world is burying itself like fodder into the earth
We won't give up anything...
We'd rather die than succumb to the weakness of generosity, and we'd sooner perish then be known as turncoats. I feel like we're haunted by speeches we see as dead. But I shake my head and think of the future and how funny it is.
The walls are cracking like glass, but not out like an escape, they're breaking down around us to fashion a tomb. I am constantly breathing the same deathly air and it's beginning to wake me up.
When my eyes open, I don't behold your paradise, I look on through the dead, and I get these sinking feelings...
I'm looking from the bottom of the pit, and the light is escaping me. The sun looks like it could fit in the palm of my hand, and light enough to blow away. But down in this chasm I surrender everything I've got, and the floor gets all red and I get all warm.
And these gallows are higher then we ever thought they could reach, but they've never seemed so close to me
I'll be going home soon, very, very soon.
I'd try to climb out, but the walls destroy my hands, and what good would that do? It's to late, we can't escape, we're writing new text books in the dark... |
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| Batman |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|10:55 pm] |
ugh, my head hurts. For some reason my right eye feels like its swollen up to be the size of a tennis ball. I know thats a bit of an exaggeration, but that's how I feel. It sucks.
I'm watching the last episode of the Batman & Robin animated series, which is pretty sweet. But I'm still bored.
I miss Leah, a lot, I don't really think she'll ever want to be with me again, but I can't really imagine being with anyone else. Oh well, to bad for me right? I think it's my fault, but I'd like to think it isn't. Still don't know what she's thinking, but looking back on it I don't think I ever really did.
Oh well, to bad for me right?
Work's pretty sweet actually, I'm never bored, there's always something to do around the store. But I think I'm about done with breathing all the fucking cleaning chemicals, that's probably what fucked up my eye actually....
Uhhhhh, I want to write some lyrics, I have them on the tip of my thoughts but they aren't coming out right.
"I'm looking from the bottom of the pit, and the light is escaping me. The sun looks like it could fit in the palm of my hand, and light enough to blow away. But down in this pit I surrender everything I've got, and the floor gets all red and I get all warm. And these gallows are higher then we ever thought they could reach, but they've never seemed so close to me..."
That's what I've got.
Good enough for tonight I guess.
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| so im excited! |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|08:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | awesomeness | ] |
ian was finally able to send me the song he's been working on for our band and it's so fucking good!
goddamnit i cant wait to be in a band again. |
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| i love free stuff |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|02:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | shai hulud | ] |
so i got to work today and the most amazing thing happened. one of my co-workers JD brought in his collection of GI JOE comic books and flat out gave them to me!
if i really felt motivated about it, i would hunt down all the comics he's missing, but as of late ive been a lazy ass.
so yeah, thats my update |
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| my first of many |
[Sep. 2nd, 2006|06:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the soundtrack for requim of a dream | ] |
i called out of work last night, there are so many things going through my mind right now i know i could go to work. not to mention ive been really sick the last 3 days in a row and havent been able to concentrate on anything at all.
i am now down to my last dollar, i stole food for the first time today, i dont feel bad because i know i needed it.
ive been slumming around my apartment in a daze all day trying to get a grip on shit, i am so glad i didnt go to work.
im actually in a pretty good mood though, im meeting new people, im cutting people that bring me down out of my life, and overall am pretty damn happy. |
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